Almost Beautiful

To love is to be vulnerable and transparent. What is the quality of love if we cannot feel the sincerity and see it's transparency from the inside out. Many times, I, myself am afraid to reveal and open my heart. This is not considered with " true love " only but any form of love whether it'll be friendship, family, etc. We're afraid to be hurt and used, so we lie and we cover up with hurtful words and actions that not only hurt ourselves but others as well. But as damaging as it can be, it can also protect us too. We say things that are not true when deep inside we can feel the truth breathing lively. We don't want to admit because we're afraid that it will change nothing when we want something done and finished. We walk away because we can't face the truth; the truth hurts . So what are we really afraid of? We're afraid that there will be no love when our vulnerability and transparency is revealed. But, truth is, there can ...

Everyday is a new day. I'm thankful to God that I can always start a new each day  when I open my eyes first thing in the morning.  No one can tell you who you are except for you. Each day, I seek the strength within myself and ask why I'm here. Sometimes it's a struggle, sometimes it's victory. Sometimes I smile because I feel peace within my heart. Sometimes I still cry because I just don't feel the peace completely. To others, it may be such a small problem, but to me, it matters so much. I just can't seem to have my peace like I used to. It's so noisy and chaotic inside. I want to drown myself within the ocean and see if this little girl inside of me can rescue me. No, it's not the little girl that needs saving. It's the little girl showing the big girl how bright this world can be. It's the little girl telling her that everything is okay, don't worry. It's the little girl teaching her to smile and be fre...

Sometimes, I wonder my life wouldn't be so complicated, if you guys were still here. But, that's only wishful thinking. Would you guys be proud of me of where I am right now? I hope so. I've done it without you guys and I'm sure I will be fine till the very end. I try not to think too much about you guys, but once in a while your faces appear in my mind, then I have no choice, but to let it sink in again. As much as my heart hurts when I think about you guys, you guys are also my motivation to keep going and never give up. You guys have no idea how much damaged you've left, but we are stronger than before. You can call it a blessing in disguise. I will never let myself get to the point of "no return". But, as much as I hate to say it, I miss you guys. I'll become a great nurse one day and visit you guys shortly.

Wow, I haven't wrote on my blog for so many years. What have happened!? Well, AWESOME news is I made it into Rasmussen College's nursing program! It's amazing, yet so nerve-wrecking. All glory to God for guiding and preparing me. So many things have happened that has challenged me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically as well. I am forever blessed to have so many friends and family supporting and reminding me how loved I am by them. What would I do without them? =( It just makes me want to cry. Truthfully, I've been feeling so emotional and sensitive lately. I dislike how every little reminisce can bring such emotions over me. I guess I just need time for myself because I am over-worked with school and work. I just need to slow down, take some deep breaths, and re-prioritize. I can do this! I just need to believe in myself that I can do it. You are stronger and wiser than you think, Gao! Keep going!

I have been thinking lately about my family history and why we are where we are today. I'm going to spent some time thinking about what I want to write about, then I will start the post soon. I'm sorry that I haven't been keeping up with my blogs. I'm actually new to this. =) Thank you for taking your time to read what God has been doing in my life and my journey. God bless you, my friend.  Spent some time looking into the beautiful sky.  Although with pain and sorrows, when you look into the sky, don't you just wanna smile. You are still breathing. You are still alive. There is still this "beauty" that lives around us that reminds us that life is still beautiful, despite all the flaws that have stain our eyes.  Let's move like a cloud that is free and surrounded by the blue sky that shines joy.

I love Life and God . Today. I miss Him. I know that He is the only one that I desire and want. I feel empty inside. I know that I can't go on without Him. I know that this is what I want the most . I don't know how I would go on like I didn't even care, or how I breath like I didn't belong to Him. I'd sit in my living room in the silence, and just ponder away. Ponder how I keep living this life, " like this " thinking about how empty I feel and how desperate I am in need of His grace. I am so vulnerable , yet I stand so strong . I am so weak , yet I boast in my strength . I need you to carry me, Lord. Hold me through this, and lift me up. I need your Love and Mercy. I need Him. I want Him. I've been listening to a song lately. "Remind me who I am" by Jason Gray. Sometimes when I'm struggling , I always think about this song, and I think about who I am to God, and why I am here in this situation. When I lose My...